benschwab's skits

[benschwab]

Game Night On Chiron

  So what are we playing tonight?
  How ‘bout Alpha Centauri?
  We always play that.
  It’s not like there’s a lot of seven player games.
  Lal, dear, let’s just play something else to make her happy.
  Thank you.
  Yeah, but then what are we going to play?
  We could always have a free for all wrestling match… :-)
  NO!
  You never want a free for all wrestling match… :-(
  Face it.  Alpha Centauri is the best pick.
  Well we should pick something before the <shudder>others</shudder> get here.
  I have the solution.  Lal and I will play twilight struggle while the rest of you will play Axis and Allies.
  How predictable.
  I’m game.
  Why does nobody want to play Settlers of Canaan?
  I keep telling you, no stupid religious knockoffs.
.U.
  This is the simplest way to do things.
  All-right, okay.
  I call Germany.
  As long as I get Japan.
  Russia of course.
  Which one do you want?
ugh… I’ll take the US.
  Dibs on the the USSR.
  Are we too late?

[benschwab]

Dealing With The Heat On Chiron

  It's hot, it's hot, it's hot, it's hot
  I must agree with Lal.  I'm sweating way to much for a man of my stature.
  You should come in here; the water's fine.
  Poor weak Peacekeeper and Morganite.  Not enough of your creature comforts?
  You know the others, colonel, they have no tolerance for being uncomfortable.
  I don't know what you're complaining about.  It's too cold in here.
  I Will CRUSH The Cold!!!
  I don't understand.  Aren't we under the dome.
  I'm fixing it as fast as I can.  You know I don't work quickly in this heat.
  Do you know what would take our minds off of the heat?
  Not again...
  Well it would.
  I bet 50 credits you can't take me in here.
  Oh!  You're on... *splash*
  Did you know that there is an entire other hemisphere that is currently in winter?
  Yes, thank you Roze...
  I don't know why you don't simply shed those garments.  More exposed skin means a cooler body temperature.
  Do you have to be so obvious about it.  Some of those... enhancements... really freak me out to look at.
  Don't criticize Aki Zeta-5 just because she is a superior human specimen.
  Back off Yang.  I'm not interested in your disgusting biological rituals.
  My offer still stands, Aki.
  @.@
  Not enough?  I'll increase it by 10%.
  No!
  Well, it just got hotter.  Deirdre entered the room.
  Settle down.  It's too hot for that.
  Couldn't one of you two... three... put on some underwear at-least.
  Don't be such a prude Miriam.  Lal and I appreciate all natural beauty.
  Well that should fix it.
  I already feel better, Doctor.
  Yes, thank you, Zak.
--fizzle, fizzle, KA-BOOM--
  Ohh no... not again!

[benschwab]

The Alpha Centauri Players Present Star Trek

  Captain's Log... Stardate... 1966.090... 8... The Enterprise...  is on... route
  Incoming transmission Captain.
  No not yet.  Lal hasn't finished his opening monologue.
to the... Aspartame System.
sorry, I'll wait...
on a... mission... of mer... cey
Lieutenant Scott... full power... to the warp... drives.
  *sigh* I can't do it captain.  I can't reach the controls.
  Now.
  What?  Oh right.  Incoming transmission Captain.
  From... ... ... where?
  From... umm.... where?
  The transmission is originating from dead ahead captain.
  All... stop.
  We're stopping?
  Reading all stop.
  On the main viewer.
  The what?
  Why does Lal get to be the captain?  I bought all of this afterall.
  The vid screen, Roze.  Lal is planetary governor, he gets first choice on all of the parts.  You know that.
  We are the Borg.  We are here to help.  Rejection would be foolish.
  The borg aren't in this series.  You're supposed to be the Romulans.
  What?  Any Star Trek that doesn't have the Borg isn't worth recreating.
  Just stay on script.
  If I cannot play the Borg Queen why should I take part in this inferior exercise?
  Fine, bring in the Klingons.
  Intruder alert, Captain.
  That's not you're cue.
  Arr, I'm here to plunder your booty.
  You will do no such thing!
  Quick... Security to the... bridge.
  Avast! Give me all yarn doubloons.
  Security here, I'll take care of him.
  Sir, I'm receiving a transmission from the... who?
  It doesn't matter anymore...
  Prepare to walk yon plank ye scallywags.
  ... who was it again?
  What?
  Or right, the Klingons.
  I said I'm going to kill you.  This is how pirates talked back on earth.
  Putting the Klingons on the vidscreen.  Oh this is fun.
  Oh okay.  Today is a good day to kill.
  I Will CRUSH The Earthlings!
  The federation, "brother".
  I Will CRUSH The Earthlings' Federation!
  Close enough.
  I'm sure there's no need for violence.
  Take that.
  Oh, I'm dead.
  Yoman...  Noooooooo...  ooooooo... oooooo...
  I will avange ye, Redshirt!  (Is that right?)
  ooooo...
  Firing main particle impactors.
  I Will CRUSH The Particle Impactors!
  That's us, sir...
  I Will CRUSH Them Anyway!  I Am INVINCIBLE!
  evasive pattern B.
  Should I return fire captain?
  ...oooooo...
  Fire main phasers, ensign.
  Firing phasers.
  NOOOO!!!!  USURPER SMASH!!!!
    Ahhhhh!  Run away!  Run Away!